Trump pursues plan to exclude transgender people from military service

The issue of transgender military service members is back in the news today.

After four separate courts blocked the Trump administration’s so-called “trans military ban,” the White House announced a new plan to implement the ban in the coming weeks.

One senior staff attorney for the ACLU, a member of the LGBT & HIV Project, called this policy a “strategy of this administration to roll back civil rights protections.”

In other news, Senate Democrats have proposed a bill that would allocate a large sum of money towards an innovative new nuclear missile defense system: a woman with a huge cock.

[Originally written in August, 2017]

This machine can produce fresh drinking water from thin air

California-based team Skysource/Skywater Alliance has just been awarded $1.5 million by XPRIZE for developing a solar-powered machine that can produce hundreds of gallons of fresh drinking water per day by condensing water vapor from the atmosphere. The group is excited about what this technology could do for the global water crisis.

“It’s like magic,” remarked David Hertz, one of the leaders of Skywater Alliance.

The team later gifted one of their machines to a remote village in Central Africa, where they were beheaded for witchcraft.

Campbell Soup lobbyist who tweeted Soros conspiracy is out

On Monday, Kelly Johnston, a lobbyist for Campbell Soup Company, published a tweet in which he claimed that the Open Society Foundations, chaired by George Soros, has been assisting a caravan of migrants bound for the United States by providing “troop carriers” and “rail cars.”

Johnston’s exit from the company had already been negotiated over the summer — planned for November — but has since been expedited. Following his ousting, a company spokesperson  announced on Thursday that Johnston is gone for “mmm, mmm, good!”

Despite this assurance, the incident has people wondering: for how long have right-wing ideals been influencing Big Soup?

Father apologizes after dressing son as Hitler for Halloween

A Kentucky man apologized in response to social media backlash after dressing his son as former chancellor of Germany and leader of the National Socialist German Workers’ Party, Adolf Hitler.

“I deeply regret dressing my son as former chancellor of Germany and leader of the National Socialist German Workers’ Party, Adolf Hitler,” the father wrote in an apologetic Facebook post. “Turns out the guy was a real jerk.”

#MAGABomber

President Trump insulted and outraged journalists across the country this morning when he published a tweet blaming the “purposely false and inaccurate reporting of the Mainstream Media” for America’s schismatic political climate.

The tweet follows the anonymous mailing of suspicious packages, believed to be pipe bombs (of which none detonated), to several democrat politicians, billionaire activist George Soros, and the offices of CNN.

Many are angered that the President has not relinquished his attacks on what he calls “Fake News” so soon after the incident.

“Damn,” one Soros-funded CNN executive commented. “We really thought that would work.”